My brain is all gummed up.
It’s quite a weird feeling because for all I’m concerned my life is going pretty okay.
I have the medical care I missed out on much of my life, I’m infatuated with the woman I’ve become, and I’m making good progress in my career goals but I have this existential dread just sitting on my shoulders.
My best friend told me I hold onto things like that.
She’s definitely right.
I’ve been mostly happy for around a year now, and that’s practically an eternity in my life.
A new therapist told me that I probably struggled with dysthymia, or long-term depressive symptoms, something that I experienced for just under 15 years. Those symptoms have all but ceased sans a few bad days here and there, but it feels like that might be making my brain confused like it’s expecting sadness, pain, and then numbness.
Then I look outward.
The world is literally on fire, trans people are on the political and corporate chopping block, and we’ve watched a genocide live for over a year, and that confusion in my brain just amplifies.
Who am I to be happy when so much is going wrong? Who am I to find peace when lives are lost over such meaningless hate?
I want to clarify that I’m not criticizing my growth. It’s nearly impossible to help others when your own needs aren’t being met. I just feel cognitive dissonance, holding so much concern without any tangible way to change things.
Writing things like this does bring me comfort though.
Thanks for reading.